using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
