Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
