Don't make out with my wife yet
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
