does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
