i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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