I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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