Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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