i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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