i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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