we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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