moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
