And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
