nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
