Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize