im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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