I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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