I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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