I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
