Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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