I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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