My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
