i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
