omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
