your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
