my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
and you fell through a lawn chair
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
