Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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