why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
