My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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