sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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