Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
