Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize