I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
