I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
