farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
