Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
