i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
