I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
