Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize