I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
