halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize