If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
