Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
