My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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