i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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