nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
