Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
my poor anus
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
