Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
only if we run a train.
done.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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