so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
