I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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