when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize