I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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