you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
