the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
