and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
