How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
