my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
