I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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