The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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