She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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