If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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