I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
