Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
